And Who Are You?

Have you ever found yourself talking to someone whom you know, but who  clearly has no idea who you are?  Or has anyone ever greeted you with the words  ‘Hello, there.’  (a classic sign that they don’t know your name). This is one of those awkward social moments which has happened many times to me over the years.  Their eyes will glaze over, then start to look furtively around for an escape route from this awkward situation.  Sometimes I would help them out by telling them who I was, but quite often I would carry on chatting, with a kind of cruel enjoyment of their  discomfiture.

Just lately, however, probably due to my new-found celebrity status in the world of Rotary, I have found these roles have reversed.  The DG Handover earlier this month  was a good example of this. Somebody I vaguely know came up to me, hand outstretched, and said something like ‘Hi Mike, how have you been keeping since April?’   This opening line alone, never mind what follows, created a whole string of problems for me. Firstly, although I think I recognise this man, I just can’t recollect his name, so I can’t respond in the usual way i.e. by mentioning his name in the first line of my reply to him. Secondly, he seems to be referring to something which happened in April in which we were both involved, and I haven’t the foggiest idea what that might be.

Experience has taught me that the best way to deal with this awkward situation is to say straight away something like, ‘I’m terribly sorry, but I’ve forgotten your name.’ Whilst it might be slightly embarrassing to admit this, the problem is sorted straight away and you can move on.  However, it needs to be done within the first 30 seconds or so of a conversation or else the opportunity has passed.   I really don’t feel I can ask someone’s name after we have been talking for a couple of minutes, so therefore I carry on in a mild panic, hoping that something will crop up during the conversation which will give me a clue as to their identity.

If I do suddenly remember someone’s name during a conversation, not only am I hugely relieved, but I make sure I use it at the earliest opportunity, to demonstrate that I knew their name all along.  However there is a danger that I might overdo this, and finish a conversation by saying something like ‘Well, Bill, it’s been good to see you again, take care, Bill. Cheerio Bill.’

There are a couple of other things you can try, which can be effective, if embarrassing. For instance, you could just guess their name. This would have one of two outcomes, either you guessed correctly (rare) and continue as normal, or you guess wrong, in which case the stranger will correct you, and tell you their real name. Whichever outcome, you will achieve the desired result of knowing the stranger’s name. Another thing you can try, which I have actually done, is that as soon as the stranger speaks to you, you say ‘Sorry to be rude, but I must just speak to someone over there, and I’ll be right back.’ This gets you out of the situation, and whilst away, you can surreptitiously ask someone else who the stranger is. Then armed with this information, you can go back to them  and say ‘Sorry about that Bill, now how have you been keeping?’

                                                     Myself and the DG meet Gary and Corinne Huang in San Diego

The problem of identity can be  illustrated by this official picture of myself and the DG meeting Gary Huang, President of Rotary International in San Diego earlier this year.  We knew exactly who he was, but he obviously didn’t know who we were, so kept us at a safe distance for this photo opportunity.  I can’t remember exactly, but he probably greeted us with ‘Hello there.’ Had he known us better, I’m sure there would have been more warmth in the picture.  I can’t really blame him. Vivian was, after all, just one of some 500 DGs from around the world he had met that week.  As the photo was being taken I felt so far off to one side that I leaned in, to try and make sure I was included in the photo. Incidentally, it can be seem that Gary and I have similar taste in ties. Also the DG and Corinne have the same scarf, although Corinne, who presented a training class on scarf tying to Consorts that week, has teased hers into a beautiful shape, whereas the DG, who didn’t attend the training class, has gone for a more natural look.

With regard to the whole problem of what to do about strangers who know you, the DG has a completely different technique.  She is constantly meeting people who know her but she doesn’t know, or remember, their name. When this occurs, she gets round it by calling them ‘Darling’, often accompanied by a kiss. This is amazingly simple and effective. She can call anyone darling, whether male or female, and nobody ever takes offence. On the contrary,  they are probably rather flattered that the DG should address them so intimately.

This would not work for me at any level. To call any woman I hardly know  ‘darling’ is fraught with danger, as you never know if someone will take offence. The kissing routine is also a bit tricky. When do you go for it and when don’t you? Would you do it at a first meeting, or after several meetings (or never at all, in some cases). Then there is the problem of a single or double kiss. Some women will come in for another one on the other cheek, some will not.  It’s a dangerous world out there.  With regard to men, my calling them darling is an absolute no, as it could well lead to an ugly incident, or give someone the wrong idea. So whilst the ‘darling’ strategy works superbly for the DG, it doesn’t work at all for me. Therefore I suppose I will continue muddling through using one or other of the techniques listed above.

Incidentally, when we got home from the Handover, I made the DG a well-deserved cup of tea.   ‘Thank you darling’ she said.